Saturday, June 4, 2011

Hoping tomorrow forgets to come

Every night I go to bed late and get up early, and not because I have a 6 week old, because I don't want tomorrow to come. Because tomorrow is one day closer to his leaving, one day closer to 365 days + A few that I will be essentially a single parent, because no matter how hard you try, you can't change a diaper thru the computer, or fix a meal, and even if he was in every room on the computer, I still can't just "run to the store real quick" with no kids.

In a few short days, we will start our journey of a year apart, living as separates, having different worries and activities. Would I have chosen this for us? No, certainly not now. I mean he is going to miss everything about the whole first year of his baby girl's life. Do I have a choice to let him go? No... Because when you're married to the Air Force, they controll what your spouse does, who they do t with Nd when they do it. So no, I didn't choose this.

I can't express what is going thru my head right now. Unless you have been in my exact shoes, with my exact situation, please don't try to tell me you know how it feels, because you don't. The longest Kevin & I have ever been apart was when he went to basic training when brok was 6 weeks old. & while that was rough, at least he was on us soil, & wasn't living an entirely separate life.

How am I supposed to be a mom and a dad? I'm going to have to get up alone every morning, get kids dressed and fed alone, and in a few months off to school alone, then run errands alone like dr appt and groceries. I have to make sure I have times right so I'm home for the bus, and therapies. And I'm the one who has to bathe kids, put them to bed, and do laundry, clean the house. I have to mow the lawn, pick up dog poop, make sure were all protected. & he gets to/has to be all alone, in a dorm room. It's just not fair you know?

I'm not super woman. I can't do it. I need my husband here, not thousand of miles away. He needs to be laying in bed with me.

Hug your husbands. Cherish those moments. I will miss his hugs, and kisses. Those tender moments when it's just us, before the baby wakes, or after the kids are asleep. I will miss our long talks when the radio goes fuzzy on the drive home, and having someones hand to hold. I will miss his snoring & his smells. I hope I remember those smells. I will miss watching him play with his kids, and I will miss his arms around me. I hope I remember how it feels. I wonder if I stuff pillows under the blanket & put a picture of him sleeping on the pillow if I will sleep better... I just want him here with us...

I hope tomorrow forgets to come...


Chauntel and Matthew said...

Ashley, I wouldn't dare say that I know how you feel.. because I don't and I don't think I ever will. I am so sorry for you right now. I couldn't imagine being a single mom for a year. There are no words. Your post made me want to cry. I'm sorry.